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Young Writers Society



Under the Lighthouse

by Conrad Rice


The pale lighthouse hunched on the cliffs. Beneath it, Elenna’s arms were crossed over Muryk’s waist, where his human features became a black-scaled fish’s tail. Their eyes looked at each other and held the same emotion; sadness. Muryk stroked Elenna’s cheek with one hand, and held her black umbrella over her head with the other.

“I will miss you,” Elenna said. She felt his tail coil around her knees and smiled.

“I will miss you too,” he said. She uncrossed her arms and wrapped them around Muryk’s waist tight. “Do you really have to go?”

She nodded. “I wish I didn’t.”

“If you were going to another shore, I would follow,” Muryk said. “But this Kansas you talk of, this place I cannot go to.”

“There is no ocean there,” Elenna said.

“Then there is no magic there either,” Muryk said. His tail coiled around Elenna’s legs a little tighter. She shivered. Nothing had ever felt as good as this. And now it was to be taken from her.

“Shall I put a Charm upon you?” Muryk asked with a smile.

“A Charm?”

“I can Charm you, so that in but a little time, you will yearn for the sea. All your mind, body, and soul will ache for it, and you will do whatever you can to come to it. Then, I will be there, and we may be together again.”

She nodded. He reached down and pulled her up, brushing the hair away from her face and gazing long into it. A shy smile creased her lips. One crossed Muryk’s lips as well. Softly he leaned forward and kissed her. A salty taste entered Elenna’s mouth, but she didn’t mind. His kiss was intoxicating. She felt the sea roll in it and moaned a little. He kept going a little, rolling his tongue around. Waves of emotion rolled through her. She felt hot and cold all at once. A tear traced its way down her cheek and she laughed in her heart.

At last, Muryk pulled away. Elenna looked down at him. Her eyes begged for more. But he smiled and put a finger to her lips.

“That and more will be waiting for you,” he said to her, his voice full of that boyish sincerity she had grown to love. “When you return, I shall take you down to many-shadowed Narthranzil, and there we shall know love and joy forever.”

He slid Elenna off of him. She got to her feet. Though she wanted to say something, she found that nothing was coming to her mind. No words could express her sorrow at this parting, none. Muryk tried to hand her umbrella back to her, but she waved it away.

“Keep it. Remember me by it.” She smiled a little. “Until I get back, that is.”

He smiled and held it over his head in a pastiche of actually needing it. Elenna giggled a little at the sight as she turned to walk away. As she got ready to climb the rocky path that took her away from the beach, she took one last look at Muryk. It hurt to leave him. He was such a boy, more than any human boy she’d ever known.

The grey sky stretched out over the scene. Elenna knew that same sky stretched out over Kansas. Though Muryk and his kind had very little care for it, she knew that he cast an idle thought to it every once in a while. This gave her a small amount of comfort. She would be on the flat grassland, and he would be in the ocean’s depths, yet they would both be under the same sky.

Elenna turned away from Muryk, every detail of him ingrained in her head, and began to climb up the path to the shore. It was plain. She would return.

This is for Caligula's Chorus contest. The song I used is Under the Lighthouse by Big Wreck, and the word prompt is epiphany.


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Sun May 03, 2009 12:37 am
Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hiya Con!

A salty taste entered Elenna’s mouth, but she didn’t mind. His kiss was intoxicating. She felt the sea roll in it and moaned a little. He kept going a little, rolling his tongue around. Waves of emotion rolled through her. She felt hot and cold all at once. A tear traced its way down her cheek and she laughed in her heart.


~ One thing that wasn't mentioned was how much you used "roll" in here.

~ Alright, the scene itself. "His kiss was intoxicating" goes almost without saying here. Since I'm assuming the kiss is the Charm he's placing on her, since he does nothing else that could qualify as magic.

When it comes to the feeling, I'm split. I found this to be a pretty good description, but it was still flat. Elenna's your viewpoint character here. How would her skin feel (goosebumps, shivers, ect)? His touch on her body (does heat radiate from his hand(s) on her back? does he tense under her)? Does she tense, relax? Since you have her thoughts later on, you can afford to add in that description and make it more "MC related"

That's my main nit-pick here. Onto the overall stuff.

Characters: I enjoyed Muryk in here. He's cute but strong. Short stories don't leave much room for description of characters, and I think you've done pretty well on him. Since he's a merman, you have room for play when it comes to personality and dialogue.

Elenna, however, she felt a bit stiff. Her dialogue, first off, is a bit strange. It's a form of description to have characters not meld words together (I'll instead of I will, ect), but it gets a bit old. It can also be a bit clumsy to read, since we don't normally speak that way.

Another thing I'm wondering about is how she got to know Muryk in the first place. If she's a land-dweller and he's a merman, how did they meet/fall in love? You could fix that with a little flash-back when she remembers him. ^_^

Description/Setting: You have so much room to expand on setting here, and I know you're really good at that. Use that rainy day to emphasize that. A flash of lighting for the pang of sorrow, a mist that shrouds all but the others face, something like that. Go nuts.

The ending I found a bit weak. I honestly skimmed the part about the sky. It wasn't full of that rich description I've come to expect from your stuff. I'd also put "She would return" on it's own line, just to give it extra punch. Since that seems to be the whole point of the story.

And another mention of how they're sitting/standing. I think Elenna's on Muryk's lap, but I'm not sure. Elaborate, please? ^_^

Song & Word prompt: I'd be careful about straying much farther from the song here. The lines about leaving, that's pretty close to the plot right now, but the mention of "I swear you mighta left me anyway" isn't very well emphasized, while that seems to be the whole plot of the song? Sorry if I misinterpreted, but that's what I'm getting from reading the lyrics. (Which I am doing right now)

I'd like to see more about epiphany here too. Right now, it seems her longing for the sea is her epiphany. I think this would be stronger if you have the epiphany on love rather than the sea. Or even better, both! Just make the word a stronger theme here.

Overall: Hmm, I didn't enjoy this as I have some of your other works (which I have read, just not commented on). It was a sweet love story, but not much else. I wouldn't turn it into much more, but adding in a little history on the characters would help here. I found this work hard to enjoy without it.

Hope this helped! Good luck in the contest!

And if you have any questions, drop me a line.

~Rosey




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Fri May 01, 2009 9:46 pm
toribethh wrote a review...



Conrad Rice wrote:She nodded. He reached down and pulled her up
What are they in the water or on the beach? Are they sitting or standing? I'm not sure and can't see the scene.

He slid Elenna off of him. She got to her feet.

Same as above


A salty taste entered Elenna’s mouth, but she didn’t mind. His kiss was intoxicating. She felt the sea roll in it and moaned a little. He kept going a little, rolling his tongue around. Waves of emotion rolled through her. She felt hot and cold all at once. A tear traced its way down her cheek and she laughed in her heart.


I just don't feel it at all. I can't related to what she's feeling. It is like your just telling us.

I did like it a lot! Just one more thing in Elenna is usually spelled with just one n. I know that this might sound a little insignificant but I was contemplating for half the story if I was saying her name right. I had to go back and reread the story just to figure out what it was about.

It was a good story over all and I think that the song is pretty cool to!




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Fri May 01, 2009 5:45 am
gyrfalcon wrote a review...



his human features became a black-scaled fish’s tail. Their eyes looked at each other and held the same emotion; sadness.


This would seem to literally indicate that his face turned into a fish tail. Fish tails don't have eyes, thus they cannot look into other eyes. Also, the "sadness" at the end is a little off, feels awkward.


wrapped them around Muryk’s waist tight


"wrapped them tightly around" I think is more grammatically correct.


this Kansas you talk of, this place I cannot go to.”

“There is no ocean there,” Elenna said.


Um, duh. You can really cut out Elenna's line, not to be rude...I don't presume that everyone in the whole world knows that Kansas is a land-locked state, but he's already implied that there's no shoreline there.


“Then there is no magic there either,”


This sounds more like you trying to tell the audience something rather than something the character would actually say--more exposition than dialogue. We've already established he can't come with her; this is both harping on the point and adding something a little random.


He reached down and pulled her up,


I really have little to no idea how these two are physically positioned--could you perhaps establish that a little more firmly at the beginning?


creased her lips. One crossed Muryk’s lips


Eh. The "c" word then "lips" repetition is not particularly awesome.


moaned a little. He kept going a little,


Were I you, I'd just nix the second one; tis a bit awkward anyway.


Waves of emotion rolled through her. She felt hot and cold all at once. A tear traced its way down her cheek and she laughed in her heart.


Gah, I hate to comment here when I'm not exactly sure what's wrong. It just feels...dry. I can't really identify with your character, I can't feel what she's feeling. It seems (please forgive the awful cliche) like you're telling rather than showing, but that's not quite right. I hope you can make some sense and/or get some use out of this comment, maybe all it needs is tweaking.


The grey sky stretched out over the scene. Elenna knew that same sky stretched out over Kansas. Though Muryk and his kind had very little care for it, she knew that he cast an idle thought to it every once in a while. This gave her a small amount of comfort. She would be on the flat grassland, and he would be in the ocean’s depths, yet they would both be under the same sky.


I hate to say this, because it's so rarely true in your work, but this is rather cliche. "under the same sky" and all has been very used before, and you're a better writer than that. Nix nix nix.




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Thu Apr 30, 2009 11:07 am
Musicaloo7311 wrote a review...



Hi Conrad! Music here to critique for you today.


Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

Muryk stroked Elenna’s cheek with one hand, and held her black umbrella over her head with the other.<---Here, you had me believing Muryk was a girl.


She felt the sea roll in it and moaned a little. He kept going a little, <---[This is your second use of "a little" in two sentences.] rolling his tongue around. Waves of emotion rolled through her. She felt hot and cold all at once. A tear traced its way down her cheek and she laughed in her heat.<---Did you mean heart?



Language Usage & Writing Style: Good job, Con! This was definitely one of your stronger departments. The only thing I had a problem with is that you would repeat a certain phrase or two after a while (especially "a little".) Be sure to have that diversity, since it is in 3rd person, and this wouldn't count as a habit of your MC as it would in 1st person. :wink:


Imagery & Emotion: Your imagery was in there. :) I thought you could have described their setting a bit more. Things such as- what does the rain feel like when Elenna lets Muryk keep her umbrella? Also, perhaps you should play up the difference of their species. Does Muryk smell a certain way to Elenna? How does Muryk feel about the feeling of Elenna's skin? Adding some more imagery will help your story.
Wow. I loved how you expressed the emotion! You used body language and dialogue effectively. I would suggest, though, adding in the exact thoughts of a character. Making sure they're really saying what's on their mind, things like that. It will help the reader to develop both characters in their mind.


Characters: Your characters were pretty well-developed for a short story. Adding in thoughts and more about their opinions of the difference of the species would help the reader to get a better picture of their personalities. Other than that, well done!


Plot & Storyline: This plot was kind of taken from a cliche one and intertwined with a newer fantasy theme. I liked it! The theme of the story was great, and you have me wanting to know when she'll return and what their life will be like then. Good job!


Overall, this story held my interest, and with a few little revisions, it will be wonderful!

Good luck in the contest!

Love,
Music





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