Hiya Con!
A salty taste entered Elenna’s mouth, but she didn’t mind. His kiss was intoxicating. She felt the sea roll in it and moaned a little. He kept going a little, rolling his tongue around. Waves of emotion rolled through her. She felt hot and cold all at once. A tear traced its way down her cheek and she laughed in her heart.
~ One thing that wasn't mentioned was how much you used "roll" in here.
~ Alright, the scene itself. "His kiss was intoxicating" goes almost without saying here. Since I'm assuming the kiss is the Charm he's placing on her, since he does nothing else that could qualify as magic.
When it comes to the feeling, I'm split. I found this to be a pretty good description, but it was still flat. Elenna's your viewpoint character here. How would her skin feel (goosebumps, shivers, ect)? His touch on her body (does heat radiate from his hand(s) on her back? does he tense under her)? Does she tense, relax? Since you have her thoughts later on, you can afford to add in that description and make it more "MC related"
That's my main nit-pick here. Onto the overall stuff.
Characters: I enjoyed Muryk in here. He's cute but strong. Short stories don't leave much room for description of characters, and I think you've done pretty well on him. Since he's a merman, you have room for play when it comes to personality and dialogue.
Elenna, however, she felt a bit stiff. Her dialogue, first off, is a bit strange. It's a form of description to have characters not meld words together (I'll instead of I will, ect), but it gets a bit old. It can also be a bit clumsy to read, since we don't normally speak that way.
Another thing I'm wondering about is how she got to know Muryk in the first place. If she's a land-dweller and he's a merman, how did they meet/fall in love? You could fix that with a little flash-back when she remembers him. ^_^
Description/Setting: You have so much room to expand on setting here, and I know you're really good at that. Use that rainy day to emphasize that. A flash of lighting for the pang of sorrow, a mist that shrouds all but the others face, something like that. Go nuts.
The ending I found a bit weak. I honestly skimmed the part about the sky. It wasn't full of that rich description I've come to expect from your stuff. I'd also put "She would return" on it's own line, just to give it extra punch. Since that seems to be the whole point of the story.
And another mention of how they're sitting/standing. I think Elenna's on Muryk's lap, but I'm not sure. Elaborate, please? ^_^
Song & Word prompt: I'd be careful about straying much farther from the song here. The lines about leaving, that's pretty close to the plot right now, but the mention of "I swear you mighta left me anyway" isn't very well emphasized, while that seems to be the whole plot of the song? Sorry if I misinterpreted, but that's what I'm getting from reading the lyrics. (Which I am doing right now)
I'd like to see more about epiphany here too. Right now, it seems her longing for the sea is her epiphany. I think this would be stronger if you have the epiphany on love rather than the sea. Or even better, both! Just make the word a stronger theme here.
Overall: Hmm, I didn't enjoy this as I have some of your other works (which I have read, just not commented on). It was a sweet love story, but not much else. I wouldn't turn it into much more, but adding in a little history on the characters would help here. I found this work hard to enjoy without it.
Hope this helped! Good luck in the contest!
And if you have any questions, drop me a line.
~Rosey
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